Realizing how low on the social ladder I am. How I don't know how to do normie things, how I don't like it, how it makes me feel very awkward to begin with. But that's fine I guess. Some people label themselves with terms like introvert to cope with it, but I feel like I don't know a lot of basic things sometimes. I realize how conscious I am of my looks. I realize how conscious I am of my shoes. I really get conscious of my fingers sometimes. I get conscious of my hair. I get conscious of my face. My lips. My teeth. Everything. I feel like crying. I feel like no one will ever want me IRL. It's not like I don't try to be better I just don't know how to, I don't have the means for that. I don't think I will ever get that normal, in-real-life love. Where there's no screens, just people touching each other and laughing, sitting in some wazakadoo place, because honestly, I don't like it. I don't like real life. I don't suck at it, it's just awkward. I don't think I'll ever be loved. This blog is bullshit. I'm just crying, and this is a big insecurity of mine. I suck at it. And I get insecure around real-life people because, honestly, none of it was my fault, but I suffer. I feel like no one will ever love real-life me. I'm just a guy in real life. A guy with shitty hands, marks and scars, pigmentation on his face. I hate it here. I'm insecure of people who have had real-life connections, honestly. I'm insecure of people who get to sit with someone. I'm insecure of people who talk to real-life people every day. I'm insecure of people who can buy anything anytime with their friends and just "hang out." I'm insecure. If I ever have someone of my own in real life, I don't know how I'll be able to take that she has done all this with someone else. I'm already crying writing this. I think I will simply die.
midnight 1/2 AUGUST 2025